3 Ways You’re Fucking Up Your Apologies (And How to Do Them Right)
We’ve all been there — caught in a moment where we need to apologize, but the words just don’t seem to come out right. Sometimes, we don’t even realize it, but we end up making things worse. Here are three common ways people screw up a good apology, and how to avoid them:
1. "I’m sorry I made you feel that way."
Please don’t say this. It’s not an apology, it’s an excuse. This type of response is invalidating and, honestly, kind of condescending. By focusing on how your partner felt, instead of the actual pain you caused, you're protecting your ego instead of showing up for their feelings.
→ The real apology here should be about owning the hurt you caused, without shifting the blame. Instead, just say, “I’m sorry I hurt you.”
2. "That wasn’t my intention."
No one cares about your intentions when their feelings are hurt. Sure, you didn’t mean to cause pain—but guess what? It happened. And that’s what matters. Leading with your intentions can feel dismissive because it’s all about defending yourself instead of acknowledging their hurt.
→ Instead of getting caught up in explaining yourself, focus on their experience: “I’m sorry that I hurt you.” Keep it simple, and make it about them, not you.
3. "I’m sorry, but..."
We’ve all heard this one. It's usually followed by some form of defensiveness or a way to turn the tables. “I’m sorry, but you did this too,” or “I’m sorry, but I didn’t have a choice.” Here’s a little tip: everything before the word “but” is bullshit. It immediately undermines the apology and starts building walls instead of bridges. If you’re apologizing, just apologize. No “but,” no excuses. Just “I’m sorry.”
So, what does a good apology look like?
A good apology is simple: “I’m sorry that I hurt you.” Period. It’s not about defending your character or proving that you're a “good person” who would never intentionally hurt your partner. It’s about showing up fully for their feelings, taking accountability, and letting them know that you understand the impact of your actions.
Here’s how you can make it right:
Make eye contact: This shows you’re truly present and that you care.
Be sincere: Your partner will feel when you’re genuinely sorry.
Show up for their feelings: Let them know you understand the hurt and that you're there to make it right.
By apologizing with sincerity and presence, you allow your partner to feel seen, heard, and understood. And that’s how you repair the rupture without leaving any resentment in the air.
Next time you need to apologize, remember—it’s about owning your actions, being present, and validating your partner’s emotions. That’s how you turn a moment of conflict into a moment of connection.
Want more relationship advice like this? Sign up for my email list and get tips, tools, and insights delivered straight to your inbox. Together, we can create healthier, more authentic connections.