Are You Asking The Right Questions?
What irritates you most about your partner?
I bet you can answer without batting an eye.
If you’ve been in your relationship for any length of time, it’s only natural that you’d have some frustrations. Being intimately entwined with another human being creates friction. Plus our brains are wired to focus on the negative as a survival mechanism.
So while it’s understandable that you can rattle off what bothers you, I wonder:
Can you tell me what your partner’s getting right?
Are you paying as much attention to their efforts as you are to their flaws?
Negative Sentiment Override
If we’re not careful we can develop what renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman calls “negative sentiment override,” meaning the relationship becomes saturated in unhappiness. We start to see everything our partner does as further evidence of their flaws and can unconsciously take what’s good for granted.
Focusing on the Good
However, with awareness and intentionality, we can develop a habit of tuning into the positive aspects of our relationship, long before it reaches a breaking point.
Just as practicing gratitude leads to a happier life, consciously focusing on the good in your relationship strengthens your attachment bond. By regularly expressing appreciation and acknowledging your loved one’s efforts, you can create a nurturing environment for a deeply connected relationship.
Think about the last time you worked hard on something that was important to you. Getting acknowledgement that your efforts are noticed can have a profound impact on your motivation and drive. The same principle applies to relationships. Knowing that we’re held in high esteem and appreciated by our partner is a fundamental attachment need.
Yet this can be one of the first things to go over the long-term as we put the relationship on autopilot to tend to everything else—kids, friends, careers, activities, and appointments. While these responsibilities are important to a full and balanced life, we can’t let them siphon all our emotional energy away from the relationship.
Oftentimes, it’s not that we don’t appreciate our partners, it’s just that we’re not being explicit about what’s in our hearts.
If you’re familiar with Gary Chapman’s work on the Five Love Languages you know that we all prefer to show and receive love in different ways—whether it’s words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, physical affection, or gifts—the latter of which is really about thoughtful tokens of appreciation rather than materialism.
Some clients tell me they don’t need verbal praise. Maybe you or your partner feel this way too, but whether or not you want words of affirmation, everyone single one of us longs to have a felt sense that we’re valuable in our partner’s eyes.
Here are some of the ways people say they feel appreciated by their loved ones:
When you kiss me hello and goodbye.
When you hold my hand.
When you put your phone away and focus on me.
When you send me a thoughtful text.
When you comment on my efforts around the house.
When you compliment the way I look.
When you plan an activity with me.
When you ask me questions and show curiosity about my life.
When you show me that you desire me physically.
Even the smallest of these gestures can have a tremendous impact.
The Most Important Questions
Do you know what speaks to your partner?
Are you making an effort to make them feel valued?
Even if you think you know, it’s important to check in on your connection regularly and get specific feedback.
Start by asking your partner these questions:
Do you feel loved and appreciated by me lately?
How can I best show you that I value you?
What can I do to make you feel like a priority?
While you’re at it, ask yourself the same questions. Do you feel loved and appreciated by your partner? What are the specific things they could do or say that would enhance your feeling valued? Let them know what makes you feel more seen, loved, and prioritized.
No one can read minds.
It’s essential to be explicit and specific in telling each other what you want and need.
Otherwise, you’re both left guessing and might be unaware that you’re missing the mark. This goes a long way toward keeping your relationship strong and securely attached.