The Most Important Relationship You Have is with Yourself
A securely attached partnership starts with a deeply connected relationship to yourself.
You’ve got to prioritize true self care, and that means getting to know your inner world and tending to your spirit with love and compassion.
Too often we put our partners, and sometimes everyone else first.
Are You A Giving Tree?
If you haven’t read Shel Silverstein’s masterpiece children’s book, The Giving Tree, now’s the time to check it out. In the story, a little boy goes to a bountiful, beloved tree as the source for all his needs, until the tree has given every apple, leaf, and limb, and has nothing left to give. And still, the boy comes back with his arms outstretched, asking the ruined tree for more.
The boy has nerve hella nerve, that’s for sure, but who’s fault is it really when the tree never says no?
The Giving Tree is the ultimate cautionary tale of over-giving and self-abandonment.
There’s nothing noble about sacrificing yourself down to a stump.
Remember, the most important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself.
And the greatest gift you can give yourself—and your partner—is prioritizing yourself.
Your well-being matters.
Maybe you were conditioned otherwise. Perhaps your family of origin modeled or necessitated over giving. Societal expectations can also condition us to put ourselves last.
It might take some intention to develop a new mindset but it’s worth the effort.
It’s okay to put yourself first—without guilt or shame.
So here are a few tips to help you nurture and nourish yourself:
Clarify your priorities. Start by determining what’s really important to you. Shed the “shoulds.” Those are other people’s voices living rent-free in your head. Instead, embrace the activities and commitments that are aligned with your core values and sense of purpose. Let go of being responsible for everyone else’s happiness and do the things that are truly good for you.
Ask for help. This is a novel concept for many of us who are fierce multitaskers, people pleasers, and hyper-independent achievers. But leaning on your partner and asking for help when you need it, instead of trying to be the hero who does it all, is the true act of a wise, mature adult.
Schedule downtime for yourself and protect it fiercely. Say no to others. Do what recharges your battery instead. Light a candle, read a book, do a five-minute mindfulness meditation, or go for a short walk, meet up with a good friend for a heart-to-heart. When you make these self-nurturing behaviors really small, it’s easier to fit them into your schedule, and a little break can have an enormous impact on your overall mental health.
Accept things as they are and look for the small moments of joy. You may have an idea of how things should be, but when you accept things as they are, and release the pressure to control what’s beyond your grasp—embracing what you do have, rather than pining for what’s missing—contentment is often found in unexpected places.
Gift yourself with grace and compassion. Let yourself be messy and imperfect. Give yourself loads of praise and lots of little rewards; whatever it is that makes you feel better—maybe it’s treating yourself to a massage, maybe it’s a day of silence and solitude. Find that thing that feels like a true indulgence and make it happen. You deserve recognition, appreciation, and approval, and it’s most powerful when it comes from you to you.
Take the time to nurture you and everything in your life will thrive, including your relationship.