For Phubbs Sake, Don’t Let This Damage your Relationship!
“For phubbs sake, put your phubbing phone away!”
If you're wondering what the heck I'm talking about, it’s the digital addiction epidemic that’s damaging our relationships in daily micro interactions. I’m referring to the phubbing phenomenon—ignoring your partner for your cell phone, or vice versa—that can have long-term consequences on your relationship.
Phubbing, the term that comes from a combo of phone and snubbing, is a huge problem in my household and one that I also hear about as a couples therapist and coach.
In fact, a recent study found that phubbing leads to marital dissatisfaction.
It creates a lack of presence which erodes connection. The phone becomes what we therapists call a “competing attachment,” pulling our attention away from our partners into the electronic void.
It’s a peril of modern society—those cell phones are right there with us every second so we can attend to the slightest ding with alacrity—and yet it can be another way we’re putting our relationships on the back burner.
If cell phone absorption isn’t an issue in your home, congratulations! You’re winning at the game of life and truly in the elite minority. But if you’re anything like me, or the many couples who sit on my couch, there may be times you feel like you’re competing with an iPhone for your partner’s undivided attention and perhaps you’re equally guilty of doing the same.
I know I pride myself on being a super plugged in, engaged person, and yet I cart my phone around like I used to carry my daughter in the Baby Bjorn—velcroed to my side and at the ready. Some nights, I look up from my phone and notice that my husband and I are in our own separate worlds, heads bent as we scroll with the TV blaring in the background. We’re both so wiped out from our respective workdays that we’ve got nothing left for each other.
Maybe you can relate.
It's not entirely our fault because those little notifications that ping on our phones, regardless of their source, stimulate our brains with dopamine that hooks us into seeking more.
And yet, for me, when I’m longing for a moment of connection with my husband and he ignores me for his phone, even unintentionally, I do feel hurt and disappointed. The message I receive is that I’m not as important to him as what's on the screen and it doesn’t feel good.
It’s incumbent upon me to notice my own emotional experience and let him know how I’m feeling, without casting blame. I can also get curious about my own behavior and his experience of me around this issue. If I’m curious, I can find out if my phubbing affects him in some negative way.
It’s all about taking the time to have an open conversation about the issue instead of pushing it aside.
If phubbing is happening in your relationship and it bothers you, it's time to discuss it with your partner.
The good news is this little habit is one of the easiest to change.
It’s low-hanging fruit that can be turned around with a little awareness and small actions, entirely within your control.
Here are a couples of suggestions to keep in mind:
Discuss ways to adjust your phone habits to prioritize the relationship. Perhaps you can set new boundaries around phone use, such as designating a short period of time in the evenings for scrolling and then putting the phones away or setting a time each evening for connection and then allowing free reign with the phones. What's important is that you decide as a team.
Put the phone down and looking up when your partner addresses you. Commit to this practice regardless of what you’re doing. It’s a good relationship habit that will pay dividends as you demonstrate the hierarchy of your relationship’s importance with your actions.
If you’re being phubbed, ask your partner to put the phone down and focus on you and what you’re saying. Make eye contact a priority and ask for it directly. Remember it’s all about how you say it, so keep your tone even and annoyance-free.
There’s no substitute for uninterrupted quality time. It has been scientifically demonstrated that close contact while looking into your partner's face, creates bonding and connection. It down regulates and soothes your nervous system. It can comfort you way better than any phone can.
So, even if it's a small dose, make sure you set aside some time for this kind of connection in your day.
Trust me, your phone will be there waiting for you with its alluring lights and sounds as soon as you get back to it.