Why You’re Really Getting Stuck in Your Relationship and What to Do About It
Breaking Free from Negative Relationship Cycles
Have you ever wondered why even the tiniest most insignificant things can lead you into intense arguments or painful spirals of disconnection?
I often hear from couples that they’re baffled by how bad things got between them when the original issue was a big nothing burger— something that didn’t really matter much to either of them— such as what shape to cut the baby’s carrots, turning left when the restaurant was actually on the right, and leaving a half-eaten bowl of Ben and Jerry’s on the kitchen counter next to the sink rather than in it.
True stories, all of them.
And, of course, none of these couples is really fighting about carrots, or directions, or dishes. They are caught in a loop of reactivity and may not even realize what’s really happening.
Every couple has a negative interactional cycle they can get into.
It’s a fear-driven pattern that occurs when threats to connection are detected in the moment, tapping into underlying doubts, insecurities, and old wounds, often outside of conscious awareness.
What’s important to know is that both partners contribute to it.
And either one can make the decision to step out of it.
It starts when one partner perceives even the slightest cue from the other as a disconnection. It could be tone of voice, a sigh, even a raised eyebrow is enough sometimes to set off alarm bells on an attachment level.
For example, let’s say you come home to a sink full of dishes when your partner had agreed to take care of it.
You go into the living room, doing your best not to yell, trying to speak calmly, and say, “I thought you were going to do the dishes?”
Although you may be refraining somewhat, your beloved can hear the agitation in your tone. They immediately respond with defensiveness and explanations of why they didn’t do it yet. Then that defensiveness really sets you off! Why aren’t they just apologizing and going to do it like they should? So you respond to their defensiveness with anger and criticism, “What’s wrong with you? I can’t say anything to you. I can’t even count on you to do the dishes!” And then they respond to your criticism with more defensiveness. The tone gets more strained and agitated and voices go up.
The more you criticize, the more they defend.
The more they defend, the more you criticize.
And around and around it goes.
The reactive loop has now hijacked your relationship. This is no longer about the dishes. It’s about reactions and counter reactions. It’s about not feeling emotionally safe. It’s about fears, doubts, and insecurities about your connection to your partner that are hijacking you both into fight-or-flight and taking you further and further away from what you both want: to be heard, understood, accepted, and connected.
In these moments, you’re both resorting to self-protective strategies instead of expressing vulnerable feelings, longings, and needs. This protection mobilizes your partner into their own defense, perpetuating a loop that leaves you both feeling confused, alone, and disconnected. Over time, these patterns become automated feedback loops that you can get stuck in, regardless of the incident or trigger that initiated the cycle.
This negative cycle can have detrimental effects on the relationship, leading to increased tension, frequent arguments, and breakdowns in communication.
Recognizing when you are caught in this cycle is crucial, and taking active steps to break free from it is necessary.
By working together, you can break this pattern and foster more constructive communication during challenging times.
Here are some tips for breaking free from your negative cycle:
Open and Honest Communication: Share your fears, insecurities, and concerns with each other. By understanding the underlying issues, you can work toward resolving them. This involves sharing vulnerabilities, listening empathetically, and offering reassurance and support. Talk about these patterns in advance to normalize their occurrence and discuss your respective protective strategies. Make a commitment to recognize when you're caught in these dead-end loops in the moment.
Take a Pause: When you find yourselves in a negative loop, take a break. Step away for at least 20 minutes, or ideally up to an hour, to allow yourselves time to calm down and regain composure. Trying to discuss the issue while activated will only lead to further escalation. Returning to repair your connection, even if you're not ready to address the original issue, can work wonders for feelings of closeness and safety, preventing misunderstandings and ruptures from causing lasting damage. You can say, "It seems like we're falling into a pattern where we can't hear each other, and I don't want that. Let's take a break and regulate ourselves, and we can come back to it in a little while."
Building a Culture of Trust and Understanding: Creating a safe and supportive environment is essential. Actively work together to prioritize each other's needs, validate each other's feelings, and practice empathy and forgiveness. By fostering an atmosphere of trust and understanding, you can gradually replace the negative cycle with a positive and nurturing dynamic.
You Do You and Break the Cycle: It takes one person to get triggered, but it takes two to engage in a negative interactional cycle. Even if your partner responds with self-protection, you still have a choice in how you respond. Take a breath and respond from your wise, loving core self. Make a mature statement that refuses to perpetuate conflict, such as, "When you get defensive with me, I feel hurt and disconnected. I don't know how to get through to you. Can we approach this differently?"
Seek Professional Help: If you're unable to break this cycle on your own, seeking therapy or relationship coaching can be immensely helpful. A professional can provide guidance, tools, and techniques to navigate insecurities and old wounds. They can facilitate productive discussions and offer fresh perspectives on relationship dynamics, enabling healthier communication patterns and building trust.
In conclusion, getting stuck in a negative cycle is a common challenge for couples. However, it’s not insurmountable. By recognizing the signs, engaging in open communication, seeking professional help if needed, and actively working towards building trust and understanding, you can break free from the negative cycle and cultivate a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.